Machoism
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Basic Description:
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Machoism seeks to please the greatest masculine being known as Macho. The highest form of worship to Macho, which is performed by the revered players,known as Machomen, is achieved by carrying out the football ritual. Other lesser forms of worship, performed by Pseudo-Machs, include viewing the football ritual and and through the purchase of football-related novelty items, as well as following the eight practices of Machoism.
OriginsEdit
There is much debate as to how Machoism began. Generally, there are two camps of thought regarding this topic. Some scholars argue that Machoism evolved from the pig-eating practices of the Latoof people, while others argue that the true origins are that as described in the holy text of Machoism, Foible.
The Evolution of Machoism- the Latoofs:Edit
Some scholars argue that Machoism's roots go all the way back to the ancient pig-eating ceremony of a group of tribal people known as the Latoofs. The Latoofs believed that by roasting and digesting the pig, they were brought closer in communion with the pig gods. Over the years, however, this ceremony became more of a social event than a deep and meaningful religious ritual. In addition to digesting pig,the men at the event began throwing the pig's skin, which was shaped into a ball-like shape, around to one another. The ball eventually, it is presumed, became known among the tribe as the "foodball," because of its composition of the holy food. Linguists suggest that over time the "d" in "foodball" was pronounced "t," or "football." Somewhere along the line, the latoofs determined that it was not the pig gods who were to be revered, but the strength and agility that enabled the males to throw the pig's skin, thus Macho was born. This theory is often criticized for its missing links, although it does provide insight as to why the term "pig" is so frequently used in football. For example, the football is commonly refered to as a "pigskin" and the more arrogant revered players are often derogatively called "pig-headed." (Freud & Muller)
The Creation of Machoism According to the MoibleEdit
According to the Moible, Macho appeared to a man named Walter Camp in the year 1886. Macho informed Camp that he was displeased with the former forms of worship, such as the ancient Roman practices of Gladiators. Macho told Camp that the true form of worship involved the pigskin.
"The former ways of your people's worship disgust me. Listen to my words: Thou shall throw the holy pigskin with all thy might. Throw the pigskin, tackle other men, and run to the holy plot of land. In doing so, you will please me and defeat the other men, who are also seeking my approval. But only one group of men will gain my approval, and this will be the group that defeats all other men's groups. And you shall no longer consume the pig. For if you do this, your strength will be weakend and you will surely not please me."
-Moible, 1:12 (Law of Manu)
After his meeting with Macho, Camp set out to enforce Macho's request and is considered the Father of Machoism. Again, in chapter 7 it is recorded that Macho confronted Camp, telling him to worship him through the football ritual. However, these verses emphasize individual worship of Macho, rather than the group.
"You must run with the pigskin to the holy land. The man who attains the most stays in the holy land is to be revered and is the man who pleases me the most. No other man pleases me so much as the man who is in the holy land. But don't even consider using other holy orbs while you are doing so. It is only if you hold the pig that I will consider showering my favor upon you."
Moible, 7:5 (Genesis/2 accounts)
The Eight Practices of MachoismEdit
Machomen also follow the Eight Practices:
1. Weight Lifting
2. Hot Wings & Hot Sauce
3. Old Spice
4. Beer Can Crushing
5. Fist Pounding
6. Crude Language
7. ABC Burping
8. Grilling Meat
View of AfterlifeEdit
Machomen and Pseudo-Machs believe that after people die, they either go to one of the following realms: Macholand or Wimpyland. Macholand is the ultimate Machoman paradise, where all the eight practices are continually occuring, as well as football rituals. Here it is believed that everyone is a winner and the Macho himself is the referee of every game. In contrast, Wimplyland is lacking the luxuries of Macholand. Wimplyland is absent, of course, of Macho. In Wimpyland, there are no footballs and all of the eight practices of Machoism are prohibited. If a football were to be found in Wimpyland, the constant lightning storms make it impossible to perform the football ritual anyway.
The Legend of Charlie Hobokovitch:Edit
According to the legend of Charlie Hobokovitch, Charlie confronted the horrors of Wimpyland during a comatose state induced by a football-related injury. Charlie saw the whirling storms, the pouring rain, and absolutely no footballs. When Charlie awoke from his coma, he spoke words of wisdom to his fellow Machomen. He told them:
"Wimpyland is miserable! We need to keep praising Macho and following the eight practices. For if we don't do this, we will be sentenced to an eternity without football and without Macho! I saw it with my own eyes!! Turn from your Wimpy Ways!"
For his great vision, Charlie Hobokovitch is seen as one of the most revered saints of Machoism, urging followers to deepen their devotion to Macho. (Delok Literature/Going to Hell)
Martyrs in MachoismEdit
In general, critically injured Machomen are considered martyrs because they are no longer able to practice the football game ritual. There are, however, disagreements as to what constitutes a martyr. For example, some teams, like the Philadelphia Eagles, believe a Machoman can be a martyr if he is critically injured during practice sessions. Other teams, such as the Greenbay Packers, believe that to be a true martyr one must be critically injured during a game, not simply practice. There are some extreme strands of Machoism that believe that the only true form of martyrdom is attained through death during the football ritual. In this view, there are very few martyrs (Jihad/Martyrdom views).
View of Right and WrongEdit
There are essentially two sets of beliefs in Machoism: the profane and the sacred (Durkheim/sacred & profane). The Sacred are, of course, the eight practices and anything related to football. The profane is anything that slanders football, the eight practices, or Machoism or Macho in general. Here are some specific profanities:
WrongEdit
1. Consuming pig (the pigskin is holy) (Leviticus)
2. Non-pig related sports
3. Manicures and/or pedicures
4. Deodorants other than Old Spice
5. Alcoholic beverages other than beer
6. Slandering Machomen
7. Skipping Monday Night & Sunday Night Football Games
8. Yogurt ****even the name is feminine****
9. Salads ***not fried or fatty!****
10. Jello ****too jiggly like wimpy people's muscles!****
11. Wine Coolers & drinks other than beer
12. The only acceptable drink during a ritual is Gatorade.
RightEdit
In 1913, a group of Machomen gathered and discussed which foods were acceptable and unacceptable for Machomen and Pseudo-Machs. This conference is known as the Foodbidden Conference of 1913. There are reasons why every food should be eaten or avoided. The following foods are acceptable: (Leviticus)
1.Wings ****source of protein****
2.Steak ****source of protein****
3. Fish ****only if caught with your bare hands!!*****
4. Vegetables ****Fried or with fatty dip only!!!****
5. Gatorade and Beer ****water is for wimps!****
Most Machomen simply use their discretion to determine what is right and what is wrong. It is evident whether Macho is pleased with a team or not, as can be seen by successful teams. A team loses Macho's favor by not submitting to proper masculine ways (9/11 Lifting Veil).
Holy DaysEdit
Thanksgiving Day: This is the day that many Pseudo-Machs view a ritual via television. This is the one day it is recommended to view the ritual through television.
Super Bowl Sunday: This is the day that the 2 teams who have gained Macho's favor most frequently oppose one another in a ritual to see who is the most macho that year.
Conversion Weekend: This is the time that the Machomen decide with which group that will take part in the ritual.
The RitualsEdit
The Football RitualEdit
Machomen are given 60 minutes to attempt to get closer to the holy zone known as the "end zone." To get to this zone, the Machomen attack the Machomen on the opposing team. The entrance into the holy end zone must be accompanied by the holy pigskin/football. Once a Machoman enters the holy zone, he is overtaken by the spirit of Macho and does the holy dance. The dance is different for each Machoman. It is said that the wilder the dance, the more favor the Machoman has with Macho. It is said that prior to the ritual, the Machomen sit together in the holy chamber and encourage one another to seek Macho. However, because Machomen are the only ones in the holy chamber, it is unsure what exactly the Machomen are discussing before the ritual. During the ritual, the most faithful Pseudo-Machs display their loyalty to both their favored group of Machomen and Macho himself by attending the ritual. Some Pseudo-Machs view the ritual through their television, although this is often frowned upon. The most charismatic Pseudo-Machs adorn their bodies with the colors and even paints of the Machomen to fulfill the Moible verse: "Tell them that they should cover themselves with the colors of the Machomen. These colors are pleasing in my eyes. The law keepers are the men that are well-versed in the ways of Machoism. Their sole duty is to ensure that the Machomen are following the rules and laws of Macho. These men possess the sacred whistle of Macho. Each time that a Machoman disobeys the laws of Macho during the ritual, it is said that Macho's spirit overcomes the law keeper, giving him the strength to blow the sacred whistle and speak the anger of Macho against the particular Machoman. At the end of the ritual, only one group of Machomen are the true possessors of Macho's favor. However, there will always be more rituals, and thus more chances to gain Macho's favor. At the close of the ritual, the favored Machomen pour the sacred gatorade upon their group leader. This is done because the sacred drink only lasts for 1 hour after the close of the ritual. By dowsing the leader with the sacred drink, he also receives the approval of Macho. This group of men and their leader possess Macho's favor until the close of the next ritual. It is questionable at which point a Machoman enters the ritual state. Is it during the time that he puts on his ritual garments, or when he enters the holy chamber or sets foot on the holy field? Many different Machomen groups disagree on this issue. However, it is said that there is a time period in which a Machoman is partaking in the ritual and not taking part in the ritual. This concept is a mysterious part of the role of the Machoman in the ritual. (Liminal State/Virabhadra).
The Tailgating CeremonyEdit
In an effort to avoid the anger of the spirits of the martyrs of the past, the Pseudo-Machs take part in the tail-gating festival outside of the holy playing field. By carrying out several of the eight practices at the festival, the spirits of the deceased martyrs are appeased and avoid messing with the football game ritual that takes part after the festival (Virabhadra).
The Sacred Macho PrayerEdit
The Sacred Macho prayer is recited as follows:
"Macho, Machoman, I want to be a Machoman!"
The prayer is repeated several times prior to the football game ritual. During the prayer, the player imitates the throwing of the football.
Issues with Machoism:Edit
Mere Sport or Religion?Edit
Some people who view the football game are in fact not Pseudo-Machs. Machomen and Pseudo-Machs criticize these men, and sometimes women, for taking such a serious religion as mere sport and entertainment. (Segal/Reductionism)
The Role of Cheerleaders in MachoismEdit
Cheerleaders are scantily-clad women who encourage the Machomen in the football ritual. The great power of the cheerleaders' voices and pompoms renew the strength of the Machomen during the ritual. However, quite often the beautiful cheerleaders gain more attention than the Machomen. This has become quite an area of tension between the Cheerleaders and Machomen. The Machomen fear that perhaps over time the Cheerleaders will gain more attention and reverence than the Machomen. (Buddhist Nuns)
Many people argue that Machoism is too patriarchal and exclusive of women. Many scholars claim that there are few benefits for women to join the Macho faith, unless they would like to give into the negative stereotypes of the role of the cheerleaders. The religion is in fact shaped by men and ruled by men. Unlike other religions that have undergone social and historical shifts, Machoism has yet to realize women's potential for advancement and participation. Machomen argue, however, that by keeping men in charge of the religion, this is as true to the original form of Machoism as possible (Asad/power & shifts).
Glossary:Edit
Charlie Hobokovitch: a saint of Machoism; the man who saw Wimpyland and told the Machomen to play football to avoid Wimpyland in the afterlife.
Cheerleaders: the women who cheer on the Machomen during the football ritual.
Conversion Weekend: This is the time that the Machomen decide with which group that will take part in the ritual.
Football Ritual: ritual through which the Machomen and Pseudo-Machs seek to please their god Macho.
Gatorade: the holy drink of Machoism; the drink that is poured upon the Machomen's leader to give him the approval of Macho.
Group Leader: The man who provides wisdom to a particular group of Machomen.
Latoof: the name of the tribe to which some scholars attribute the ancient origins of Machoism; the tribe attributed with creation of the pigskin.
Macho: the greatest masculine realm; the god of Machoism; the strength displayed in men that is to be praised.
Macholand: the realm in which Machomen and Pseudo-Machs believe they will spend eternity/life after death; the realm for the righteous Machomen and Pseudo-Machs.
Machomen: the main players in the football ceremony.
Martyrs: those who die as a result of demonstrating or professing their faith; in Machoism, those who are injured critically during a football game (this is up for debate).
Moible: the holy book of Machoism
Pig-head: a derogatory term for arrogant Machomen.
Pigskin: literally the skin of a pig; the material of which a football is made of; the material of which footballs were at one time made of.
Pseudo-Machs: means "similar to the Machomen." They are different than the Machomen in that they do not play football. Instead, they worship Macho to a lesser degree by purchasing Macho novely items, as well as by following the eight practices of Machomen; often the viewers of the football ritual.
Super Bowl Sunday: This is the day that the 2 teams who have gained Macho's favor most frequently oppose one another in a ritual to see who is the most macho that year.
Thanksgiving Day: This is the day that many Pseudo-Machs view a ritual via television. This is the one day it is recommended to view the ritual through television.
Walter Camp: the man who received a revelation from Macho in 1886 to worship Macho via football.
Wimpyland: the realm in which Machomen and Pseudo-Machs believe Not-so-machos will spend eternity; the opposite of Macholand; the realm Machomen and Pseduo-Machs attempt to avoid by means of worship to Macho.
